What hurts the most?

Ever had a crush on someone so deep that even the rainbow-coloured butterflies that tickle your stomach with her thought appear lacklustre in front of her? You know she doesn’t think about you. You know your existence won’t even affect her. You know she would never message you. Yet, you wait hopelessly for her message. You wait for her message every single day. And every single day goes without hearing from her. And every single day is a fresh hopeful start and a dejected night sleep.

Then one fine day, after some mental maths, complicated than the calculus, you muster all your courage and decide to message her. Your “Hey” is interjected, rather mocked by the little birdie in your head: “For God’s sake, don’t write “Hey” — what a noob! Be creative. Please”, the little birdie says.

You press backspace. You leave the app. You go to Google and type, “Creative + Crush + Message”, and pray to Google to light your dark path with the best creativity available on the web, when the little birdie disappointingly interrupts, “Seriously? Shouldn’t you be original? Where is your genuineness? You think you will keep copy-pasting your entire life and get away with it?”

Hesitatingly, you agree with the little birdie and close Google. You go to the washbasin and wash your face with cold water, and with a “disappointed in yourself” face, you look at the mirror and think to yourself — how can anyone not reply to that face, when the little birdie interrupts and asks you to be realistic. She even suggests that you ask yourself if anyone would reply to that face. Reality hits you hard and you look away from the mirror.

You start scrolling Instagram, and see your past crush, now newly married, making reels with her husband on her honeymoon trip. This was the push you needed.

You muster all your courage and start typing the message. You don’t want to sound desperate, but also you don’t want to be very casual — you don’t want to be one in a queue! After some deep thinking and convincing/ fighting the little birdie, you finally click on the send button. Your heart which was beating the speed of sound, finally rests. You did your job.

But now comes the wait.

First is the wait to get two grey ticks. And then is the wait to see those grey ticks change their colour. You smile to yourself thinking how ticks just like people change colour. You keep looking at your phone without blinking your eyes. When you’re wondering if what you typed made sense, you see her online. You could hear your heart thumping in your ears. After a couple of minutes of her being online, the grey ticks turn to blue. You look at the screen like a little kid looks at a candy shop — in a hope that they might get what they want.

She then goes offline again. With a lump on your throat, you close the messaging app. Crushed by your crush, you put your phone away.

Do you know what hurts the most? Those blue ticks never getting a reply.